The dark side of having families that watch as much TV as we do

Tara and I are still watching Lost and Vampire Diaries, but we’re finding it difficult. We now prefer to watch them together (as in, we’ll watch one episode of each and then repeat until we realize we’ve been watching TV for far too long and begin hating ourselves), but the problem resides with Lost. You see, we can’t watch it at Tara’s house, because her mom and brother don’t like the show. They watched up until season 3 and then quit, which baffles me, because season 3 was my favorite. So I feel the need to debate the various pros and cons with her brother. And then we can’t watch it at my house, because my family likes Lost way too much and they blurt out spoilers before they can stop themselves. My dad spoiled two things for Tara within like five minutes, one of which I had been keeping under wraps for the past two months.

So basically we have to wait until one of our houses is free and then frantically squash in a few episodes. This is the struggle, people. This is what we deal with.

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I do battle with spiders

Yesterday there was a spider on the ceiling, and my mom, brother and I could not settle on an appropriate course of action. My mother and I spent about five minutes trying to get it to come down, and Alex was bored with the proceedings and wanted to go play Xbox.

“Just leave it,” he said, rolling his eyes.

My mom nodded. “It’s too far up. We can’t reach it. Besides, we’ve already ruined its day by pelting it with wet paper towels. Let’s leave him be.”

“That’s exactly why we should not leave him be!” I said. “He’ll come after us! He’ll want revenge! I can’t sleep knowing there’s a spider on the ceiling, I just can’t do it!”

“You’re so dramatic,” my mom said. “If he’s going to go after anyone, it’s going to be me; I’m the one that actually managed to hit him.”

“I don’t know how you did it,” said Alex, “but you somehow managed to appease and insult her all in the same sentence.”

“My room’s closer,” I insisted. “If you were a spider, would you rather exact your revenge on the first person you come across or embark on a Lord of the Rings-style trek across the entire house to get the real perpetrator?”

But they both decided my argument was stupid, and we all went on with our lives, making popcorn and watching The Voice. (Fun fact: I’m rooting for Michelle.) A few hours later we were moseying around the house when my mother discovered the spider, on the floor, booking it in the direction of MY ROOM. I immediately had it slain (read: I squealed a lot until my dad humanely carried it outside so it could be free) and my mom said, shocked, “You were totally right. It was coming for you.”

They always do. My reputation with spiders precedes me.

Of course Locke is the baby whisperer

Tara and I are still watching Lost and Vampire Diaries. I don’t know what Tara’s thoughts are on Lost (although I can tell you that show ruined my life because I’ll never get over the fact that it ended), but as for Vampire Diaries I am always pleasantly surprised with the direction of its plot. It never does the predictable thing, and I like that. I also love Caroline. I also love all the minor characters, and then they die. So here’s how that’s going:

Elodie: I just had this image of Katherine knocking back liquor at a bar someplace while Elena is the weathered bartender listening to her story.

and

Tara: Shannon’s using Vincent to find Walt
Tara: If someone tried to use one of my dogs to find me it would not work at all.

and

Tara: DAMN BOONE YOU ARE LOOKING WAY TOO ATTRACTIVE FOR A FUNERAL
Tara: And “death sucks,” that was your opening line?
Elodie: He thought about it a lot on the way over.

and

Tara: Of course Locke is the baby whisperer

and

Elodie: I love this Slater guy, which means he’s probably going to die

and

Elodie: If you wanted to fit in somewhere and live a normal life why the hell would you move to Mystic Falls

and

Tara: NO
Tara: NO
Tara: NO
Tara: NO
Tara: OH MY GOD, IS SHE DEAD?
Tara: THAT’S SO NOT FAIR
Elodie: I know. Thank God Slater’s still alive.
Elodie: NO, GODDAMMIT!
Tara: I was just thinking “wait for it…”
Elodie: I fell in love with another minor character and it cost me.
Elodie: This was a sad night all around.
Tara: That it was.

And finally

Elodie: Earlier I told my mom you were going to watch the episode where [character] dies, and she was like, “You’re only that far?” So she too believes we’re not watching TV fast enough.
Tara: I want to finish Lost by the end of the summer, that’s my goal.
Elodie: And I want to catch up with Vampire Diaries and Game of Thrones.
Elodie: How can people say we’re not ambitious

Henry VIII: King of Tantrums

I swear I do more things than just watch TV. I promise I go out and do things. But, I was recently watching an episode of The Tudors (I know, I know, I prefaced this just so I could just regale you with another TV story. Actually I just wanted to tell somebody this, and you people are my captive audience, sort of), and I was thinking, “Just once, just once I want somebody to say ‘fuck you’ to the king. JUST ONCE.” Because of all the 5,000 people Henry VIII has had beheaded so far, approximately 5,000 of them stood there in front of the crowd and said something to the effect of, “Please pray for me, and pray for the king. I don’t deserve his love and I hope he’ll forgive me for my faults.” Blah, blah. And then they take an ax to the head, and it’s messy.

And today finally, FINALLY, his fifth wife, Catherine Howard, gave me what I wanted. She was being executed for having sex with this one guy before her marriage to the king, and for committing adultery with this other guy, Culpepper, during the marriage. And she got up there and said, “I die a queen, but I would rather die the wife of Culpepper,” which I think is probably the closest I’m going to get to the medieval equivalent of “fuck you, King Henry VIII, you selfish piece of shit.” I literally slammed my hand down on my desk and went, “OHHHHHHH!” I will totally take it. The basic premise for this show is “Let’s see what happens when we give the entire country of England to a particularly tantrum-prone child and let him make decisions.” And, to much surprise, it goes rather poorly.

I only wish Henry had been there to see it. Maybe word will get back. I’d love to see that tantrum.

THE LATEST EPISODE OF PSYCH JUST HURT ME IN WAYS I WASN’T EXPECTING

Elodie: Have you seen the latest episode of Psych? Because I have not, and everyone on my tumblr dash is freaking out.
Tara: I haven’t either
Tara: Did you get spoiled?
Elodie: No, it’s basically people going “PSYCH” with various reaction gifs of people flipping shit.
Tara: Damn I wonder what that’s about.
Elodie: I really need to go to bed but now I’m going to watch this first.
Tara: You’ll have to let me know if it’s super good or what.
Elodie: I hope nobody dies, because they’re having a bachelor party and I don’t think I’m ready for any major characters to die at a bachelor party.
Tara: Any other place, but no bachelor parties
Elodie: Any other setting I’m fine with.
Elodie: Birthday parties are fine.
Tara: Funerals are the best, because it’s so easy to just bury two people.
Tara: I’m terrible.
Elodie: Well I laughed at that. We’re both terrible.

[Thirty minutes later.]

Elodie: I like this episode. Things seem to be going well so far.
Tara: That could be a good sign or a bad sign.
Elodie: This is so fabulous, holy shit.
Elodie:
Elodie: No.
Elodie: No.
Elodie: NO.
Tara: What?!
Elodie: NO.
Elodie: NO, DAMMIT!
Tara: I NEED TO CATCH UP, I’M FOUR EPISODES BEHIND AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
Elodie: I HATE THIS. THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME ALL NIGHT.
Elodie: GRANTED, THE BAR WAS NOT VERY HIGH.

Sawyer’s Glasses: A Eulogy

This gif (source here) will serve as a guide for the following conversation, because Tara finally watched the season finale of Lost, season one. Just look at his glasses. Try and look past the paragon of manly perfection that is his face and look at those things.

Anyway. Now that you’ve got the background story…

Elodie: I think we should take a moment to reflect upon a loss we suffered tonight.
Elodie: Sawyer’s spectacular dipshit glasses.
Elodie: They really should have prioritized while the raft was going down. “QUICK SOMEBODY HIDE THE GLASSES.”
Tara: “GIVE THEM THE KID, MAYBE THEY’LL LEAVE THE GLASSES.”
Elodie: “NO NOT THE RAFT! THE GLASSES ARE STILL ON BOARD!”
Tara: “THE GLASSES ARE GONE, WE ALL MIGHT AS WELL JUST DROWN NOW.”
Elodie: I’m sorry I just spoiled the real cliffhanger of the season one finale.
Elodie: The fate of the glasses. But the sooner you know the sooner you can accept, and move on.
Tara: I understand, you had to rip the band-aid off.
Elodie: Those glasses gave us some chuckles. Some laughs, some good times. Mostly at Sawyer’s expense. And in the end, they gave us their life.
Tara: They gave us an entire episode subplot.
Elodie: Amen.

An Update on the Lost/Vampire Diaries Adventure Debacle

Just so we’re all on the same page here, Tara is on the Lost episode “Exodus: Part 1,” and I’m on the first episode of season two of Vampire Diaries.

Elodie: “I don’t need a babysitter.” You just tried to turn yourself into a vampire, Jeremy, you’re getting a babysitter.

Tara: “The worst part’s over.”
Tara: hahahahhaha yeah I don’t think so.

Elodie: “Doppelganger Hijinks” is what this episode should have been called

Tara: How does Jin who doesn’t speak English fit in better with the group than I would if I was on the island?

Elodie: Oh my God are they about to have sex or are they going to murder each other

Elodie:
Elodie: Are there… other supernatural creatures?
Tara: You mean other than witches and vampires?
Elodie: Yeah.
Elodie: Mason talking about “the curse”
Elodie: Tyler’s aggression issues
Elodie: TYLER Posey
Elodie: TYLER Hoechlin
Elodie: IT ALL ADDS UP
Tara: I like how all the main characters hug while all the other people on the island just wander around the background.
Elodie: Yeah, nobody likes them
Elodie: You skirted the werewolf question, or as it will henceforth be known “the Tyler Trifecta Question”
Tara: Did I? Sorry
Elodie: alsjgklhl3kjg
Elodie: Goddamn you