THIS POST CONTAINS ALL THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE.

HELLO. I’m sorry about the title. I’m sorry I resorted to clickbait, and bad clickbait at that. But if this post did contain all the secrets of the universe, and you just scrolled right past it, you’d feel stupid, wouldn’t you? I understand. You had to know for sure.

I just thought I would give the few stragglers who still happen across this blog from time to time a bit of an UPDATE, and it is this: I’m moving this party over to tumblr, where you can find me basically night or day. So: http://ironic-lady.tumblr.com. It will be my ~PROFESSIONAL tumblr, so I’ll be posting the things of mine that get published IN ADDITION TO pictures of people getting photobombed by their dogs, and Harry Potter nonsense, because I’m Harry Potter trash. Follow it if this blog has given you even an iota of joy on this rocky road called life. Occasionally I will also post short blogs about life. Things. Stuff. It will be a good time, is what I’m saying.

I just wanted you guys to know where you can find me. I’m still around, working, writing, doing laundry, ADULTING. And since I spend about 90% of my free time on tumblr anyway, I figured I’d be more motivated to keep you guys in the loop if I just merged it all into one. SEE YOU THERE, hopefully. If not, that’s okay. I understand. I like you anyway.

 

Why “ironic lady”?

The term “iron lady,” though famously attributed to Margaret Thatcher, has actually come to refer to any woman in a position of power with a take-no-shit kind of attitude (like Hillary Clinton, Golda Meir, or Park Geun-hye). I aspire to be a take-no-shit type of person but I’m afraid I’ll only ever be a “whoops I just shot myself in the foot with this airsoft gun while explaining to my mother how safe it is” type of person.

I got me a fancy shmancy writing internship!

I’ve noticed a trend in my blogging: I like to blog when something’s gone really wrong (like, I don’t know, a tornado, or a blizzard, or a broken foot… did I ever mention that? I didn’t actually break my toe, I broke two of my toes and fractured the top of my foot, which I misconstrued as a broken two because I’m a stupid idiot, but I digress), or when things go really right (like… I don’t know, I can’t even think of an example for this one… getting a dog, maybe? Or eating really good brownie?). But this time around, things have gone really right. I got a writing internship!

I’m with the same internship program I was with last summer, except this time I’m actually doing something that caters to my skill set. Last year I was the sandwich intern. Really. No, not really. Well, kind of. I was equal parts office intern (which meant I answered phones) and runner intern (which meant I went out and bought outrageous quantities of office supplies), but even more than that, I was the concessions intern. I was in charge of all the paperwork for event concessions, and I had to get up every morning at 5 and help sort the concessions snacks for distribution, after which I had to go sell tickets at a venue office for six hours. I also had to get people to sign things. Not exactly my forte, but I did eat a lot of sandwiches. (Maybe it was exactly my forte.)

Anyway, this year I’m writing. I’m proofreading things and writing press releases and handling social media promotion. That was probably the most adult thing I’ve ever written in my life. I used the term “apostrophe police” in my Skype interview, which I think really sold it. I also had to change my entire profile, because my picture was this

wow

for absolutely no reason that I can think of. My gender was also “male” and my location was, like, Ireland. I haven’t used Skype in about two years, it was just a mess, and I think I had my name spelt deliberately wrong just to bring it all home. But anyway, here’s to adult things!

Breaking news: I kissed a boy

Valentine’s Day is on Friday, so I figured now was as good a time as any to wrap up my Never Been Kissed series of old (!!!), from which many of you know me and about which I still get messages chiding me for not ever kissing Liam. That was the column that eventually got me a job freelancing at SparkLife, and I swear to God, whenever there has been a boy in the picture (or even kind of in the picture), always, ALWAYS in the back of my mind was if I kiss this dude, I’ve got to run off and write about it on SparkLife. I just owe you guys that much. You stuck by me while I did idiotic things in grocery stores and screwed up potential dates and mostly just complained a lot. Jeez, you guys really took one for the team.

So here you go. I promise it’s a story for the history books. At the very least it will elicit a wheezy chuckle.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALYSSA

Since it’s summer and I suddenly have time for video games again, I’ve realized there’s a point where everything takes a dark turn. Tara and I were doing a Super Smash Bros Melee tournament, and I was playing against the adorable brother-and-sister duo, the Ice Climbers.

“DIE!” I shouted, viciously pressing buttons. “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU FIRST, NANA! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR WEEPING BROTHER!”

“Holy shit,” said Tara. “I think it’s time to stop.”

And on THAT lovely note, I’d like to wish a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the very spectacular ALYSSA! She had an exam today-ish (time zones?), which sucks, so I’m sending her kittens and good thoughts! Mostly good thoughts! (I don’t have a lot of kittens to spare.)

An Insider’s Look at My Life

I Tweeted recently about feeling like I have to explain everything that pops up on my search history whenever someone uses my laptop to Google something. So today, to make up for this week’s lapse in blogging, I’m diving in. I’m going to give you guys all those nitty-gritty details. I’m giving you my recent search history, unabridged. I’m not even sure what I’ve Googled recently, so LET’S DO THIS.

“Hannibal”

Oh, right. I literally just looked that up two seconds ago as a result of this conversation:

Tara: Maybe watching Hannibal will cheer me up.
Elodie: I haven’t watched it, but somehow I doubt it.

“The Virgin Mary marian miracles”

I’m writing an essay on the medieval preoccupation with Mary. (They basically wrote Mary fanfiction. Mary/Humanity OTP.)

“Henry Cavill”

OH RIGHT. YES. I had just realized that Henry Cavill, who plays Charles Brandon on The Tudors (of “we-haven’t-had-any-sex-scenes-in-a-while-so-let’s-just-have-a-Charles-Brandon-sex-scene-for-no-reason” fame) is going to be Superman in Man of Steel.

“Henry Cavill pronunciation”

Yeeeah. I realized I wouldn’t be able to articulate this to anyone because cah-VILLE? CAH-vul?

“Eve in Paradise Lost john milton”

Back to the essay.

“dylan o’brien maze runnerljw”

That’s literally the Google search. I got too excited towards the end there BECAUSE DYLAN O’BRIEN IS GOING TO BE IN THE MAZE RUNNER MOVIE AND I’M JUST SO PROUD OF HIS  ACCOMPLISHMENTS. If you don’t know who Dylan O’Brien is, he’s Stiles in Teen Wolf and I have a vested interest in his career.

“Maze Runner plot”

I read the book a long time ago, and I forget what happens.

“macklemore”

The result of an ongoing investigation triggered by the MTV Movie Awards, during which this happened:

Allison: MACKLEMORE! YES!
Elodie: I’m going to be honest here, prior to this I did not know what Macklemore was
Elodie: …
Elodie: And based on this performance I’m still not sure
Elodie: Is he a rapper or a one-man Mariachi band?

“the flux”

I was watching The Tudors. I was unfamiliar with this term. I found it refers to dysentery. It was a lovely episode.

“tumblr queue not working”

Aaaaand if I had to pick a single Google search item that sums up my life, this would be it, because I use Google primarily to type in my problems (usually incoherently) and see what solutions Google spits back at me. I hope this was semi-enjoyable. What’re the last five things you searched? DON’T BE AFRAID.

I’M SORRY

It happened. It finally happened. I missed a day of blogging, and then, before I knew it, I’d missed four. I’m sorry! I deserve a swift kick in the kneecaps or a punch in the elbow. I completely forgot on the 14th, and I’m not sure how that happened. It wasn’t a particularly stressful day. I wasn’t overloaded with work. I don’t know how I’ve managed to have days where I literally wrote a post with four minutes until midnight because I was so swamped with homework, yet on that day I was kicking back on my futon with a bag of chips and thinking, “Is there something I should be doing? Something important? Something… blog-related? Nah, probably not.”

Then the Boston bombings happened on the 15th, and it was just one of those days where I think we as a collective people needed to turn off the news after a while, eat junk food in our comfiest sweatshirts, and listen to our Aaron Tveit playlists. (Maybe that was just my thing.)

On the sixteenth I registered for classes, and then I went to a reading of senior theses for the Creative Writing majors. Some of the short stories were very sexual, and I was sitting next to a stranger on the smallest couch in the entire world. And he was really into it. He let out a “whoop!” every now and again, and he wolf-whistled this one guy at the podium that we were both totally checking out.

That brings us to today, and nothing happened today. That’s it. You’re all caught up. I made a promise to  faithful Twitter follower Savannah that I would make this up to you guys, and I will tomorrow. How, you ask? YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO SEE. (See what I’m doing here? I’m giving you an incentive to come back tomorrow. I’ll do better. I’ll be better. I CAN BE A BETTER PERSON. JUST WAIT, YOU’LL SEE.)