ASSASSIN (I just wrote “ass” twice. I’m so tired.)

I was on the phone with my mom last night when she said, “Wh—hang on.” Ten minutes later, she came back and said, “Oh my God. Your dad just caught two girls hiding in our garage. They’d been there for an hour while we were eating dinner!”

It really says something that my first response was “Oh, God,” and not “There were… people… in our… garage?! What?” But the thing is, my brother Alex is playing Assassin. It’s a school-wide Nerf gun tournament, and those girls were lying in wait for Alex to come home. One of his teammates has already been killed, so Alex was actually hiding in a bush somewhere over at one of their houses to assassinate them. I’m told it was all very comical. There are very strict rules about this whole thing—you can’t shoot somebody on school property or at a school event (i.e., football games, or else Alex’s entire team would be royally screwed as people fired their Nerf guns on the field), and you can’t go inside somebody’s house unless invited by the parents.

“Dad did what?” I practically shrieked.

“He invited them in.”

“You realize that’s the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to do,” I said.

“Well, yes, but they’d been hiding in the garage for an hour! It was cold out!”

“Mom,” I said, exasperated, “you can’t invite them in! It’s like vampires! Once you invite them in, everything’s fair game and all hell breaks loose!”

I’ll let you know how this story develops. If Alex’s team doesn’t take out one of the girls by the end of the week, they’ll be eliminated. THE STAKES ARE HIGH.

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