I read The Scarlet Letter so you don’t have to!

As a dual English/Creative Writing major, I have to take an assload of English courses. The problem is that I didn’t begin seriously embarking on that journey until halfway through my sophomore year. (So I was running around going, “Yes! Anthropology 101! Social psychology! Dinosaurs! HAHAHA!”) I now must take English courses exclusively, with almost nothing else. Which means I’m writing a lot of essays. Which means I’m reading a lot of books. In my first week, I read The Scarlet Letter and A Midsummer Night’s Dream. So I basically feel like I’m catching up on things I should have read in high school.

I’m also convinced that The Scarlet Letter is secretly about the love story between Dimmesdale and Chillingworth. I mean, damn.

Me: They share “a kind of intimacy” and tell each other everything.
Me: They’re like two girls at a slumber party.
Me: It’s weirdly adorable.
Tara: I ship it.
Me: Oh my God. They just moved in together.
Tara: !!!!!!!!!!
Me: I’m not even sure what Hester’s doing right now.
Me: Are we sure she’s the main character?

And things were going swimmingly from my OTP for a while there. Until…

Me: holy shit they think Chillingworth is Satan now
Me: This turned quickly.
Tara: What does his boyfriend think?
Me: I think he’s blind to it.
Tara: I should have written this book. There’d be more gay sex.
Tara: Although that would imply that there was already gay sex.
Me: On that note, though, this book is so old that they keep using the word “intercourse” as a synonym for like “conversation,” so right now they’re having familiar intercourse.
Me: “He therefore still kept up a familiar intercourse with him, daily receiving the old physician in his study.”
Tara: JESUS CHRIST.
Me: I forgot to mention that Dimmesdale is a priest and Chillingworth wants to corrupt him.
Me: “in the hot passions of his heart”
Tara: Oh my God.
Tara: Are you sure this isn’t a fanfic?

And then I finished it. I’ve seen Easy A, so I thought I was prepared for what could potentially be an okay ending. Alas…

Me: Dimmesdale died.
Me: What was really funny though is that Hester and Dimmesdale were going to run away together and get on this ship and go back to England and live happily ever after, but then Chillingworth pops up and he’s like, “HEY GUYS wait for me I’m coming too, I just bought a ticket!!!”
Tara: I
Tara: I just
Tara: I can’t even figure out who the third wheel is in this threesome
Me: I can’t either
Me: It’s a mystery.

So if you need to write an essay about The Scarlet Letter for school, I think we all know what direction it’s going to take.

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3 thoughts on “I read The Scarlet Letter so you don’t have to!

  1. I ship it too. But where were you when I had to write an essay on The Scarlet Letter last year?! Feels like I missed an opportunity there.

    Being an English major too, I like to watch people’s jaw drop when I tell them I have to read “at least one book a week” (but then it dawns on me too and I freak myself out).

    • I FEEL YOU. Oh God, I feel you. I never realize how much I have to read until I tell other people about it, and then I’m like, “Holy shit I don’t even have time to talk to you right now I HAVE TO GO.”

  2. Hahaha! Maybe the word ‘intercourse’ was a euphemism back then for sexual intercourse? The English language is truly weird – it was disconcerting when I saw the word ‘ejaculated’ for the first time in ‘Wuthering Heights’.

    Elodie, would you really like to be an English major? Because it sounds as if you would like to major in one or two of the social sciences more.

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