This is a rough approximation of how I would fare if you were to drop me in the middle of nowhere and expect me to find my way home

My dad’s job involves making commercials for local businesses. So when he asked my brother Alex and I if we would mind being in one, because they were running low on extras, we reluctantly agreed. We were told it would be a quick shot of us kayaking down the river… you know, just a little something they could put into the musical montage for this resort. I figured since it was a “quick shot,” somebody could just stick me in a kayak and then push me towards the camera, and I could pretend to know what I was doing in a suitably competent manner for all of 20 seconds. (Ha. Should we laugh together? Let us laugh.)

The first warning sign was when I was trying to help the resort owner carry a canoe, and I had to relinquish my half to the cute employee named Steven because I have the upper arm strength of a really wimpy child. And did I mention Cute Guy Steven? Attractive males don’t usually show up right before I’m about to do something awesome. They usually show up when I’m about to do something awkward and horrible.

Anyway, the people in the commercial included myself, Alex, Cute Guy Steven, two girls I didn’t know (but who I would find out really knew their way around a canoe), and this guy Felix who is our neighbor. (Remember this post? He was the guy that stole the baseball from me.)

The man in charge, Felix’s dad, said, “Now don’t any of you tell me this is about to be your first time in a kayak.”

Alex, the only person present who knew that this was the first time I had ever even been this close to a kayak, smirked. Actually, no, that’s not true. Once when I was at summer camp ten years ago, I kayaked. It wasn’t a success. I ran us aground, and there was a mutiny.

So the whole thing went about as well as could be expected. Cute Guy Steven helped me into the kayak, whereupon I was immediately launched downriver even though I was supposed to wait for the rest of the group. The next take we did I fell ass-backwards into the kayak. Then I ran into Felix’s canoe. And while we were all waiting around for the next take, I freely admitted to these people, who were big on nature and doing activities, that I was all about air conditioning and and TV. It was all very, very bad.

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