I got a B on my Biology of Sex final, which I think is pretty good for someone who who went through the review sheet and said, “When did we learn this?”
Tara and I have decided we’re going to see Darren Criss on his Listen Up tour. We also decided we were going to try to snag the VIP package so we could actually meet him. Last week I was just dicking around on the Internet when I thought, “Hell, VIP packages don’t go on sale for days, but I’m going to check just in case.” And it’s like there was a cosmic realignment in the universe, because VIP PACKAGES WERE ON SALE. AND THEY WERE AVAILABLE. AND I WAS SITTING THERE STARING AT THE CHECK-OUT PAGE. The last time Tara and I tried to get VIP for Starkid’s Apocalyptour, they sold out almost immediately and we cried for days. And here I was, with this gift staring me right in the face. I briefly weighed the pros and cons of calling and waking Tara since it was 8:30 a.m. (it’s like rousing a sleeping dragon), decided the benefits far outweighed the risks, accidentally threw the phone halfway across the room in my haste, and finally called. She answered with something like, “Hrrgnfkjw,” and I said, “VIP PACKAGES ARE ON SALE. RIGHT NOW,” and she was like, “Oh my God,” and we both went to work.
“Okay, I’m purchasing mine,” I said. “Right… now.”
“Wait,” I said, “it says they’re sold out.”
“They’re sold out.”
“No, they’re not,” she said uncertainly.
Slowly it dawned on me. “Tara,” I said quietly, “did this just happen?”
“Did you get a VIP package and I didn’t?”
“I think my worst nightmare is being realized,” I said.
“ARE YOU TELLING ME I’M GOING TO BE MEETING DARREN CRISS ALONE?” she shouted.
“Oh, God,” I said.
I tried again when the VIP packages went on sale for the general public, but no dice. This could really only happen to me, though, couldn’t it? I luck out and stumble upon this VIP miracle. I call Tara to tell her. I get excited. And then tragedy unfolds. Sometime in June I’m going to be waiting patiently out on the sidewalk while Tara meets Darren Criss. But that’s okay, I told her to bring a life-sized cardboard cutout of me. It’ll be a crazy conversation starter. And it’ll be like I’m in the picture.