Henry VIII: King of Tantrums

I swear I do more things than just watch TV. I promise I go out and do things. But, I was recently watching an episode of The Tudors (I know, I know, I prefaced this just so I could just regale you with another TV story. Actually I just wanted to tell somebody this, and you people are my captive audience, sort of), and I was thinking, “Just once, just once I want somebody to say ‘fuck you’ to the king. JUST ONCE.” Because of all the 5,000 people Henry VIII has had beheaded so far, approximately 5,000 of them stood there in front of the crowd and said something to the effect of, “Please pray for me, and pray for the king. I don’t deserve his love and I hope he’ll forgive me for my faults.” Blah, blah. And then they take an ax to the head, and it’s messy.

And today finally, FINALLY, his fifth wife, Catherine Howard, gave me what I wanted. She was being executed for having sex with this one guy before her marriage to the king, and for committing adultery with this other guy, Culpepper, during the marriage. And she got up there and said, “I die a queen, but I would rather die the wife of Culpepper,” which I think is probably the closest I’m going to get to the medieval equivalent of “fuck you, King Henry VIII, you selfish piece of shit.” I literally slammed my hand down on my desk and went, “OHHHHHHH!” I will totally take it. The basic premise for this show is “Let’s see what happens when we give the entire country of England to a particularly tantrum-prone child and let him make decisions.” And, to much surprise, it goes rather poorly.

I only wish Henry had been there to see it. Maybe word will get back. I’d love to see that tantrum.


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