I’m going to try and impress upon you the extent of this sudden arctic chill that has overtaken the Midwest.
- It’s so cold that I yawned while I was outside and I thought my face was going to be stuck like that forever.
- It’s so cold that the weatherman is just saying things like “expect sub-zero temperatures” instead of giving us any concrete numbers, because concrete numbers are scarier.
- It’s so cold that I stopped in random buildings whose purpose I didn’t even know on my way back from class just for the heat. And they weren’t even on my way. And I was loitering. And possibly lying on the floor in front of the heater.
- It’s so cold that a group formed outside the residence hall behind some guy who was trying to unlock the door, and when it didn’t immediately open someone shouted, “THAT’S IT, WE’RE DOOMED.”
- It’s so cold that I was literally wearing my gigantic, tacky sunglasses to and from class because they shielded a solid one-third of my face AND I’LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET.
- It’s so cold that I dropped a dollar on the ground and didn’t retrieve it. (This packs more of a wallop if you also know that I once almost got hit by a car trying to pick up a quarter.)
- It’s so cold that I’m never leaving my bed, EVER.
- Until tomorrow, when I go to class, I guess.
- But it’s cold.