My friend Tara came down to visit this weekend, which, far from signifying parties and booze, actually signifies video games, scary movies, and free grapes. The grocery store was giving away free grapes, and we literally just stood at the stand for ten minutes eating them. We took turns. We’re nothing if not polite.
The weekend could theoretically be divided into two parts: before watching Battle Royale, and after. Before watching Battle Royale, we were both typical(ish) young people with hopes and dreams and more dessert than we could handle. (We capitalized on a “ten desserts for ten dollars” deal at the aforementioned grocery store.) We played Super Smash Bros. We made lists of books we would buy with the hypothetical money we would have in the hypothetical future. We talked. We laughed. But after watching Battle Royale? We were broken, soulless fragments of the people we’d once been. That movie ripped my soul out through my eye sockets. I have never seen so much gore in one movie interspersed with so many twisted love triangles!
I can only imagine what the people in the room next door thought of us. I could hear them watching the Notre Dame football game, so it follows logically that they could hear us. We went from playing video games (“I HATE YOU AND I WILL PEE ON ALL THE THINGS YOU LOVE, YOU LITTLE SHIT!”) to watching Battle Royale (which mostly consisted of frequent laughter, then gunfire, and then one or both of us shouting, “NOPE, THAT’S IT. I’M DONE. I’M DONE WITH THIS MOVIE, THAT WAS THE FINAL STRAW. DID HIS FREAKING HEAD JUST EXPLODE?”). And then, when all humanity seemed to drain from the world and hope was a far-off dream, we watched Joseph Gordon-Levitt strip on SNL, and suddenly everything felt right again. (It was at this point that all hell broke loose; next door, we had lost the game and everybody was shouting indignantly. In our room, JGL was being Magic Mike and we were both shrieking inhuman shrieks and saying things like, “I CAN’T HANDLE THIS, SOMEBODY SEND HELP!”)
All in all, a success, I’d say.