Venus Flytraps = badass

I’ve owned a lot of cool things in my day (lava lamps, marshmallow guns, life-sized piggy banks… once I even briefly owned a pony). But hands down, the coolest damn thing I ever owned was a Venus Flytrap. For the life of me, I don’t know where I got it or how it came to be in my possession. I can only assume I heard the phrase “carnivorous plant that eats meat and bugs” and shouted to the nearest person, “Sign me up!”

I think we named it something ridiculous like Fluffy, as opposed to something awesome like Jaws, to lull the bugs into a false sense of security (as if the bugs would hear us talking about it and catch on). Anyway, Fluffyjaws (as it will henceforth be known) and I bonded, because I treated Fluffyjaws like both a pet and a plant. This probably wasn’t the best strategy, considering my inability to a) keep pets alive*, and b) keep plants alive**. Predictably, after a week or two, Fluffyjaws died from… well, who knows? Not enough water? Not enough bugs/meat? Crazy fungus? Too much sunlight? Could’ve been any of them. Could’ve been all of them. Nonetheless, those few days I had with Fluffyjaws were indescribably awesome, because having a Venus Flytrap is something every wannabe badass should do at least once in their life.

* RIP Jazz the Hamster
** RIP every plant I’ve ever watered


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