Today I was in town, ready to go shopping, when I realized a) I hadn’t taken a shower, b) I was hungry, and also c) I had to pee. But I was in town. I had gone through a lot of trouble to be there. (By “a lot of trouble,” I mean a fifteen-minute drive through mild traffic.) I’d be damned if I was going to go home without something to show for it.
First I had to make myself presentable. I went to Bath & Body Works and spritzed myself with free samples of various perfumes. (The saleslady informed me too late that “Moonlight Path” is more of a grandmotherly smell, so I doused myself in “Japanese Cherry Blossoms” and hoped that would cover it up. Or maybe I just concocted an abhorrent supersmell of yuck. Is it obvious yet that I don’t know how smell works?) We then spent an hour doing that customer/salesperson tango, wherein the salesperson tries to sell the product that the customer has already decided they’re not going to buy, and in the end I made up an elaborate lie and ran out of the store.
Next I went to the local grocery store and ran around trying all the free samples until I had basically made myself a meal. The meal consisted of some very strange milk and a lot of sausages, plus something I couldn’t pronounce so I’m not even going to attempt to spell it. Then I remembered I had to pee, but I had already left the grocery store and I had to drive around looking for a place that would let me use their bathroom without buying something.
By the time I had solved each of these problems, I was tired and no longer felt like shopping.