So I was doing my biweekly Almighty Facebook Creep Session. You know, the one where you check up on everyone from childhood friends to old crushes. And I’m sitting here thinking, How is it that every single one of my childhood friends went on to win homecoming queen? I swear there’s some kind of creepy social experiment at play here. At first it was cute. I was like, “God, Ella’s so nice. She totally deserves it. And look at that dress!” Then it got a little odd. It was more like, “Wow! Leigh got elected homecoming queen too! What a coincidence!” And then, “Amanda too? Her hair looks fantastic. In fact, I hate how great it looks. How does it even curl like that?” And finally, “WHY DIDN’T I GET THE MEMO THAT WE WERE ALL SUPPOSED TO BLOSSOM INTO GODDESSES THE LIKES OF WHICH NO MORTAL MAN HAS EVER SEEN? WHY ARE THEY SO GOOD-LOOKING? AND WHY DOES AMANDA’S HAIR LOOK SO FREAKING MANAGEABLE WHILE MINE JUST SORT OF SITS THERE?!?!”
I think I would’ve made an excellent queen. I wouldn’t have realized those forms were for real, so when I walked out onto the field with my family the announcer would have said, “And here’s Elodie. She wants to pursue a career in… um, wizardry… and after high school she plans to go to college at… well, it doesn’t say, but she plans to marry Joseph Gordon-Levitt…” I would have tripped and faceplanted it right into the turf, and during pictures I’d say something like, “Wait, was anyone else making a funny face in that picture? …No? Just me?” To cap it off, I would try to toss the crown into the air and catch it on my head, and I would proceed to bean our star football player right on the noggin, knocking him unconscious and singlehandedly losing the game for us all.