Dear Sparklers, Manklers, and readers of this blog,
This is a crisis situation. I’m at my grandparents’ cottage, and there is no food. There’s, like, low-fat soy milk, and there are strange wafers, and there are hot dog buns but no hot dogs. Also, there’s spotty cell reception. I actually have to hold my phone outside a certain second-story window, and then blindly hit the SEND button, and pray that it works. My Internet connection is on the fritz, so I hope it holds out long enough for me to post this. I’m being eaten alive by bugs. I have a mosquito bite that I’ve “itched” (read: sort of, kind of scratched around the actual bite) to a gangrenous state.
The situation is dire. Send help. Send a care package. Send bug spray. Send a cell phone tower.
EDIT: My grandmother just asked, “So do you think this Justin Bieber person is sexy?”