THE FUZZ

My school was having its annual talent show. It’s really exclusive, so all the talent is… you know… good. I was on the phone with Allison as I weaved through traffic, and she was saying, “You have to get your butt down here NOW! People are parking up and down the street! I’m in the teacher’s parking lot, it’s the only one with any spots left and there are only three left and YOU HAVE TO GET DOWN HERE!”

So I was speeding, going at least ten over while Allison was shouting in my ear (“There are two spots left! Two, Elodie! TWO! And now there is… ONE! One spot left, and I am standing in it so nobody else takes it but let’s be serious, if someone tries to pull in I’m getting out of the way! Hurry, Elodie, HURRY!”) and then… and THEN… I saw the cop.

He was chilling on the side of the road in his cruiser, just behind a tree… a PRIME spot to see and not be seen, at least until it’s too late. And it was sure as hell too late for me. I saw him, and I did one of those deals where you kind of slam really obviously on the breaks, leaving everyone on the road without a doubt that you were speeding in the presence of a cop. And then I swore, and I swore good, too. It wasn’t a “damn” or even a “shit.” It was a flat-out “FUCK!” And he saw it. I passed so close that I could see the color of his eyes, for God’s sake, because he was RIGHT THERE. And he saw the blatant profanity I spewed, combined with the speeding and the fact that I was also on the phone, which is not illegal where I live but probably didn’t help my case.

He gave me a little shake of the head. A deeply disapproving shake of the head and a little squinting of the eyes, like he was saying, “You’re a teenager. I know what you get up to on weekends.” And then it was over. No lights, no siren. He didn’t pull me over. It was a miracle. (And I got the spot.)

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10 thoughts on “THE FUZZ

  1. “If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement…” Hahaha. The cops in your town sure are merciful; where I live they practically hunt drivers. Excellent story, thanks for the laugh!

  2. This story is awesome. PS I’m a new commenter here… I kind of troll this blog a bit (ok I’ve only read maybe 10 posts) (but now I’m reading it especially since I AM WAITING FOR YOUR NBKM UPDATE). Anyway, can I just say that you’re the coolest person ever and I wish we could be best friends and you wouldn’t happen to be going to a small liberal arts college in the second largest city in Michigan? CAUSE I’M GOING THERE AND IF YOU WENT THERE WE COULD BE FRIENDS AND STAY UP LATE SWAPPING MANLY STORIES AND THEN IN THE MORNING WE COULD MAKE WAFFLES

    • Hello Laura! My post will be late this week because Chelsea’s out of town, but I’m ecstatic that there’s at least one person hanging off the edge of their seat in anticipation. (That’s how I picture you right now. Just let me have it.) And… let me hazard a guess… would that be… Calvin College? Maybe? Unfortunately I’m not going there and those manly stories/waffles will have to wait… I am however going to the OLDEST university in Michigan in the… the… fifth or sixth largest city. I think. (I just Googled this and it’s the seventh. So close.)

      • Your assumption is correct – I am definitely on the edge of my seat in anticipation! And yes, I am going to Calvin 🙂 But one of my best friends is going to U of M, so maybe I’ll go visit her and then I can track you down and THEN we can swap manly stories. My dreams will NOT BE KILLED!

      • THIS IS PERFECT. I’ll be making the journey to good ol’ GR to visit one of MY good friends! Are we sure we don’t secretly know each other somehow?

  3. Psh, don’t forget about me over here, we can be friends and swap manly stories too xP Or we could if I had any intention of moving to Michigan. Hm. Meh, guess I’ll miss out on the story swapping…

    Regardless, loved the story. All your stories are incredibly entertaining. If you ever stopped updating this blog I would cry, I hope you know that xP AND I hope I get my damn license at some point soon so I can go through experiences like this–although if a cop saw me doing that I’d probably just get pulled over.

    • Thank you! When I’m on my deathbed, I’ll demand a laptop so I can update this blog and explain that “KOUTONI IS COUNTING ON ME!”

      Distance is no issue! We’ll put a cardboard cut-out of some celebrity in the corner and pretend it’s you, and you’ll be with us in spirit. But I must ask you this for it to work: WHICH CELEBRITY DO YOU MOST RESEMBLE? I like to think I look like Evangeline Lilly. Aside from the hair, face, and outrageously fit body, we’re practically the same person.

      • Hm…to be honest, I don’t know too many really popular celebrities; I don’t tend to follow pop culture that closely XD But I asked people and they can’t place me to anyone. Including my dad, who is the best person with faces I’ve ever known, even though he shares the handicap of not knowing the kind of celebrities society is usually familiar with. So unfortunately I can’t come up with anyone famous I particularly resemble! Guess I’m unique in that respect~ 😛 Lol.

        BUT THAT SHALL NOT BE AN ISSUE! Just find a nice anime character with long brown hair and blue eyes and paste a picture of her over a cardboard cut-out. Then I can still be with you in spirit. (Oh, I’m no help at all. /shot xP)

      • This plan is perfect! And we’ll put a microphone behind the cardboard cut-out so it’ll be like you’re right there in the room.

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