HELLO. I’m sorry about the title. I’m sorry I resorted to clickbait, and bad clickbait at that. But if this post did contain all the secrets of the universe, and you just scrolled right past it, you’d feel stupid, wouldn’t you? I understand. You had to know for sure.

I just thought I would give the few stragglers who still happen across this blog from time to time a bit of an UPDATE, and it is this: I’m moving this party over to tumblr, where you can find me basically night or day. So: It will be my ~PROFESSIONAL tumblr, so I’ll be posting the things of mine that get published IN ADDITION TO pictures of people getting photobombed by their dogs, and Harry Potter nonsense, because I’m Harry Potter trash. Follow it if this blog has given you even an iota of joy on this rocky road called life. Occasionally I will also post short blogs about life. Things. Stuff. It will be a good time, is what I’m saying.

I just wanted you guys to know where you can find me. I’m still around, working, writing, doing laundry, ADULTING. And since I spend about 90% of my free time on tumblr anyway, I figured I’d be more motivated to keep you guys in the loop if I just merged it all into one. SEE YOU THERE, hopefully. If not, that’s okay. I understand. I like you anyway.


Death by Final Exams

Another semester, another final exam week that takes me completely by surprise. It’s like I never expect that the lessons are actually leading up to something. I guess I just thought they’d drop off anticlimactically and then we could all go home.

I screwed myself over just a tad by not reading half the books for one of my classes. (In my defense, I was busy reading the books for other classes, and Super Mario Sunshine wasn’t going to play itself.) This particular final exam is the last one I have to take, so I’m going to spend this entire week power-reading one book a day. It’s exactly the kind of crazy, desperate plan you’d only put into action if you were an English major with poor time management skills and a weakness for Super Mario Sunshine.

I bought myself one of those chocolate oranges to reward myself if I ever got through this mess. I then ate it before I’d finished reading anything. I had to. There was a CRAVING. You’re supposed to smack them against a hard surface to break up the chocolate “slices,” though, and I can’t imagine my roommate was very happy to be woken up by a loud BANG at 3 AM, followed by “OH SHIT.” (There was a lot of gusto. Chocolate went everywhere.)

The Greatest Joke I Ever Told

I was with my friends in another city when we happened to walk past a technical school with a bunch of teens hanging out on the front stoop and shooting baskets in the quad.

“So it’s not a university?” one of my friends asked. “It’s just a high school?”

“Well, technically,” I said.

Yep. That was it. I immediately announced to my well-wishers and the legions of adoring fans that tend to congregate wherever I am that they could consider this my retirement from comedy. Having told the greatest joke that I or anyone else would I ever tell, I no longer saw any point in continuing the charade. To this day I consider it my greatest achievement.

Of roommates and frostbite

I had a Roommate Situation about two weeks before the school year was supposed to start. I probably shouldn’t go broadcasting her private affairs all over the Internet, so I won’t go into it, but the long and short of it is that I now have a new roommate. She’s from California, where she goes to school, and she’s taking a semester off to do an internship here. She’s been a good roommate so far. She doesn’t blast her music late into the night and she restocks the toilet paper, and that’s really all I’m looking for.

However, I did overhear her on the phone a few weeks ago saying, “How is it this cold ALREADY?” It was sixty degrees. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the university had to shut down last year because people were getting frostbite at the bus stops, but I feel like somebody should.

I like long walks on the beach, wearing the same thing over and over again, and not contracting illnesses

I was supposed to have a sort-of date yesterday. He had to cancel because he’s sick. It’s probably a bad sign that I was relieved. The relief didn’t have anything to do with him, though; I was relieved because a) now I could leave the house wearing the same sweatshirt I’d had on the last time I saw him, and b) I’m a germaphobe. I don’t like sick people. When I’m the one who’s sick, I don’t even like myself.

Happy Halloween, everybody! I’m going as Spider-Man. More accurately, I’m going as the loser standing over in a distant corner of the party wearing a Spider-Man hoodie and eating all the food. I was this last year also.

Shockingly, I almost accidentally chucked my phone into a crowd of strangers by doing this

I had a pretty packed weekend. I accidentally touched Dan Smith (lead singer of the English band Bastille), I went on a road trip with my parents and grandparents, and I got photobombed by a college football coaching legend. Also someone accidentally hit me in the face.

BUT FIRST I think we should probably take a moment to appreciate that my concert video capturing technique has actually worsened with age and experience rather than improved. This was when I saw Bastille in January.

Look at that beauty! That precision! And barely any shaky hand movements! Now, this was this past weekend (brace your eyes, people).

I don’t know why I bothered recording this at all. You cannot see things in this video so much as you can feel them resonate somewhere deep inside of you. Actually, come to think of it, this really captures the essence of the whole experience—loud, sweaty, passionate, mystifying, and AMAZING. But more on that another time. I need to give your eyes and brains a chance to recalibrate after that overwhelming exposure to blurry lights and my inability to just stop freaking jumping, Jesus.

I can’t tell if the universe is screwing with me

My professor randomly announced today that he was canceling the midterm exam on Wednesday. He also decided he was canceling class on Friday. This sounded swell to me, because I was already planning on a) studying very little and b) not attending Friday’s class, because I have tickets to a concert. However, I’m concerned. I don’t know if this is the universe’s way of saying, “Excellent! Bask in this good fortune! You deserve it! Life is a technicolor musical, and YOU know every song and dance step,” which would be grand… or if it’s the universe’s way of saying, “Yep. That’s it, slack off. Enjoy it while it lasts. Here comes the reckoning.”